Sounds MUCH better than the first take. Can't understand why you did not presented it in this form already the first time. Doesn't it sound also far better to you?
What I can imagine now is that the melody line (on some places it is always the same note) stands out better. But not through playing it louder, instead the accompaignment softer. And it would be top, if you could give the melody line a dynamic contour with soft begin and end and a climax in the middle, not strong, but audible. Otherwise I have no more wishes
. Expression is always personal taste!